Quotes About Humor

Oh lovely, lovely life that can toss us from horror to hilarity, without giving us time to take breath! No mater how dark it may be, yet, unfailingly, "Cheerfulness breaks in.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

To me, the most blatant example of cruelty to animals is the rotisserie. It's just a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'."

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for "Add sugar to".

Fettucine Alfredo is just Macaroni and cheese for adults

Yes, I still love 'South Park ' but I also love morning TV now.