Quotes About Humor

People sometimes sweetly say that I have "child-bearing hips," but what they really mean is that I have hips that will definitely knock over your drink if you are sitting next to me on a plane and I have to get up to use the bathroom.

I'm sad that a legitimate rung on the ladder of making it in comedy is writing hateful stuff about total strangers. I don't know.

I had read the baby books, of course, but could remember literally nothing but one fact: "babies are born without kneecaps." What the hell was I supposed to do with that information? Invite some gangster to take retribution against me by kneecapping my baby and then laugh when he realizes it's physically impossible? That was no good to me; I would have needed to lay the groundwork ages ago!

I would love to have Snoop Dogg waiting in my office in a cupcake-print suit to tell all my problems to. Wouldn't we all?

even though deep down I know that if there is an afterlife, she's a pretty much open-and-shut case for hell.

In my line of work, every man wears exactly one outfit: khakis, a Late Night with Jimmy Fallon T-shirt, and a hooded sweatshirt. If you don't wear that, people think you are a Scientologist and no one will eat lunch with you.

I laughed because, as everyone knows, laughing is a great way to disguise heavy breathing.

Why didn't you talk about whether women are funny or not? I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn't. It would be the same as addressing the issue of "Should dogs and cats be able to care for our children? They're in the house anyway." I try not to make it a habit to seriously discuss nonsensical hot-button issues.

I could have Matthew McConaughey baptize Kit into the Church of Alright Alright Alright in the Pacific Ocean outside his Malibu compound and people would be like, "Oh, I love that guy, cool choice.

We forewent seeing any DC museums or national monuments to order cheeseburgers and watch Will & Grace in bed at our hotel, because we are real best friends, not lame fake friends trying to impress each other with how fascinated we are with culture and learning.

One of the great things about women's magazines is that they accept that drinking water and sitting quietly will make your breasts huge and lips plump up to the size of two bratwursts. Maybe

Mothers-in-law know all sorts of things that husbands are too stupid to figure out.

Life is pure farce from beginning to end, with a little black comedy thrown in for shade. If it was anything else, mankind would have stuck his collective head in the gas oyen years ago. No one could tolerate seventy years of tragedy. When I die - probably of cancer - Jane has prornised to put on my tombstone: "Here lies Anne Cattrell who laughed her way through it. The joke was on her but at least she knew it." (The Ice House)

An epigram is a flashlight of a truth; a witticism, truth laughing at itself.

Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.

Man forgives women anything save the wit to outwit him.

I steeled myself against laughter; I would rather die than laugh. I didn't laugh, I did not laugh. But I died, I did die.

And why had Deb's last boyfriend dumped her? I dumped him. Maybe you didn't French-kiss him enough. I promise you that wasn't it. Tell me how many times a day you kissed, and I'll say if it was enough. Four hundred. Not enough.

Teachers of subjects that this person wasn't even good at are kissing this person and renouncing the very subjects they taught. Math teachers are saying that math was just a funny way of saying "I love you.

When I leave my car my iPhone escorts me, letting everyone else in the post office know that I'm not really with them, I'm with my own people, who are so hilarious that I can't help smiling to myself as I text them back.

We held each other's hands and laughed with feigned embarrassment that gradually took hold and became real.

I have a weird sense of humour. My dad's the same. We love watching 'Monty Python' together.

I think that the habit of gloomy poetry is very funny. It's like a special competition in losing.

Never eat more than you can lift.