Quotes About Humor

We forewent seeing any D.C. museums or national monuments to order cheeseburgers and watch "Will and Grace" in bed at our hotel, because we are real best friends, not lame fake friends trying to impress each other with how fascinated we are with culture and learning.

I've enjoyed an endless supply of free paper, paperclips, envelopes, and office supplies since joining The Office, because I steal props on a regular basis.

I lost my mind. I lunged at him and inhaled all of his fries standing up a foot away from the trash can. No food is as delicious as food you eat standing a foot away from a trash can. Ask any possum.

the Yankees were playing my hometown Red Sox on TV and I lost my cool at a guy who was loudly dissing them. I yelled, "Derek Jeter is baseball's Hitler!" This was in New York City. In a room full of Jewish sports fans. I don't even really like baseball that much! I have problems.

Maybe you accidentally bought this thinking it was the Malala book.

I am so accustomed to the young mom phenomenon, that when I saw the poster for The Proposal I wondered for a second if the proposal in the movie was Ryan Reynolds suggesting he send his mother, Sandra Bullock, to an old-age home.

if you transcribed it, it would

I like to think of myself as the Rod Blagojevich of television.

I also did that thing that corrupt politicians do where I hired all my friends to work with me, so that's very nice as well. I like to think of myself as the Rod Blagojevich of television.

One of the great things about women's magazines is that they accept that drinking water and sitting quietly will make your breasts huge and lips plump up to the size of two bratwursts.

depression is something that I've come to accept from my creative community and I realize that's probably alien to most people. I don't know why the funniest people I know are also depressed.

It's funny when you decide you don't like someone. I am the kind of person who, if my feelings are unrequited, can completely detach from someone emotionally if I simply put my mind to it. That's why I'm always saying I would be a great serial murderer.

This photo is more significant because it is a rare time where my head looks normal size. I have enormous head, so it is important to me to have a few flattering, head-minimizing photos.

Luckily the rope fiasco was eclipsed, several weeks later, when I accidentally pronounced jalapeño with a hard j in front of Vijay, Hondo, and some other campers. I'd only ever seen it printed on the side of a can of salsa. "You think it's ja-lapeno?!" Hondo asked, incredulous. I did.

When Your Boyfriend Fits into Your Jeans and Other Atrocities The

Full-on All-Night Sex-a-thon is also the name of my debut hip-hop album.

we loved reenacting what we saw. The Church Lady's catchphrases were our catchphrases, and we repeated them until my mother said, exasperated: "Please stop saying 'Isn't that special?' in that strange voice. It is annoying to me and to others." At

Kevin's always saying things like "You've got a real deep bench, now, kid." Or "You gotta keep your eye on the ball, and you're going to push it over the goal line." And I have no idea what he is talking about, but I nod enthusiastically and say, "Sure, of course, sports," and hope he doesn't ask any follow-up questions.

Cause that's all I want. A sweet, mature, normal, loving guy, with no baggage. And who has an absolutely enormous penis.

That was the moment when I realized how cool my life is. I was trying to hit on a guy and was being interrupted by the president of the United States.

The point is, it only traumatized me because I had the time to be traumatized. I want to be so famous and busy that only ever find these insults amusing, and chuckle at the good-naturedly before I get on my private jet to be a UN ambassador to Cameroon, or wherever.

I'm pretty happy with the way I look, so long as I don't break a beach chair.

I think I love the scene because it reflects how love works. "Soul mates" is what you aim for, but soup snakes is what you get sometimes.

and I went to Dartmouth to pursue my love of white people and North Face parkas.