Quotes About Humor

Only a Mahican would bring a comb to war." Connor rolled his eyes, then leaned in as if about to tell Amalie a great secret, lowering his voice to a whisper. "It helps them keep their feathers pretty." -Connor about Joesph

If I told you your bare ass looks fantastic in the moonlight, would you hold that against me?

You might as well humor me and let the Band-Aid boys check you out.

I think Holly's right," Sophie said. "He likes you." "Oh, well, lucky me! I suppose if he loved me I'd be in federal prison.

Honey, if we could cure stupid, I'd be out of a job.

Seriously? A cowboy hat? Was he trying to slay her? What was next? Cuddling puppies against his shirtless chest?

Hey, I gotta take a piss. Want to come with me? Said no man ever.

We're the eighth and ninth dwarves—Gimpy and Barfy.

But I recall it a bit differently. I told you that you stank, and you called me daft and told me I ran like a lass.

I'm going to be a big sister," Emily said. "My daddy breeded my mommy, like Chinook with the mares." Megan coughed, choking on her tea. Jack looked over at Nate. "What the hell did you tell this child?" Nate shrugged. "It's not what we said. It's what she put together. She does live on a stud farm, you know." Janet fought not to laugh. "Congratulations! You must be so excited.

When life sucks, eat cookies.

Right next to Thrifty's was an all-girls Catholic school, so we shimmied over the fence to break the liquor law with the Lord. I kept saying I didn't feel anything, but I could hardly get the words out, I was cracking up so hard.

I might as well have declared my devotion to processed cheese.

Only a superstitious, melodramatic nerd would try to keep from being bored to death by scaring himself to death instead.

Be fond of the man who jests at his scars, if you like; but never believe he is being on the level with you.

I've got to get you home before I lose all my sanity and give in to the urge to imprison you here as a sex slave for my evil desires." Jesse sighed heavily. "That does sound tempting, but I'm pretty sure that Aunt Will would miss me." "She probably would," Piney agreed. "And how could I explain to my son why I've got a woman locked up in my bedroom?

Jincy Willett, Sam Lipsyte, Flannery O'Connor, and George Saunders. Oh, and I love Paul Rudnick in The New Yorker.

Every women needs at least 4 animals. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass that pays for everything.

What's Wal*Mart? Is that were they sell wall stuff?

Does Wall-Mart sell wall stuff?

Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?

I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side.

His idea of female beauty was a woman so fat if you slapped her backside in the morning she'd still be jiggling when you got back home for dinner.

If at any moment of the day I ever think I'm remotely cool at all, which is hardly ever, I have two daughters who make sure that never happens.