Quotes About Humor

Murphy was an optimist.

Why do people only tolerate Sheridan, and go into ecstasies over burlesques ?" said Beltran. "Because we want to laugh and not to think," said Denzil. "Now, to laugh at Sheridan you must first think with him.

Pride and ingratitude are my biggest character defects. Pride is that hardened part in my mind that needs to be softened by humility and a sense of humor. Making a gratitude list is essential to my daily recovery. I frequently include what I did right each day in my gratitude lists; I believe my focus determines what I become.

The funny thing about getting married in America was that we needed to get a blood test before they'd give us a licence. I wouldn't have been surprised if the bloke from the lab had called back and said, 'Mr Osbourne, we appear to have found some blood in your alcohol.'

In 1968, John Osbourne was an up-and-coming rock 'n' roll star,' I would say in this fake movie-announcer voice as I wandered around the house. 'In 1969, he was an up-and-coming garbageman.'

If you don't have a sense of humour when you're in a band, you end up like f**king Emerson, Lake and Palmer, making eight-disc LPs so you can all have your own three-hour f**king solos. And who wants to listen to that bollocks?

It could have been worse. I could have been Sting.

I'm not proud of everything I've done, I'm not proud of all the drugs and booze, or biting the heads off a few animals. But I was young. I didn't know what the fuck I was thinking. Still it could be worse. I could be Sting.

Most a barátom kiáltott föl: - Egyébként még sosem ettem ebben az országban egy jó Esterházy-rostélyost. - Vállat vontam, tekints zicsinek.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Do men who have got all their marbles go swimming in lakes with their clothes on?

I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.

Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.

Satire doesn't effect change.

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid.

My wife and I both come from Irish families. There are two kinds of Irish families: the hitting kind and the kidding kind. If you're fortunate - and both of us are - you come from the kidding kind of Irish family.

Never fight an inanimate object.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.