Quotes About Humor

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory.

I don't understand decaf, it's like sex without the sex.

I'm sorry, Mr. Whiteleaf. I'm not going to let a monster eat me for minimum wage.

Vance shook his head. "Philly, I love you, buddy. I do. But you're not my type." "I'm not?" "What? Are you insulted?" Philip was pondering that when the front door jingled.

Might I ask you a question, sir?" Ned groaned. "Yes, I was dead last night. And yes, I know they call me Never Dead Ned. But I guess that's only because Occasionally Dead Ned isn't nearly as catchy. Does that answer your question?" "It's true then. You can't die." "Actually, I die very well. In fact, I dare say I'm the undisputed grand master at perishing. It's the staying-dead part that I'm not very good at.

in a moment of indulgence, I'd had my face carved in Mount Rushmore, so I wasn't one to judge.

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.

Lacking a pot, Pepys "shit in the chimney" twice one night, whereas the Yorkshire laborer Abram Ingham used his "clogg" [shoe] to "make water in." If all else failed, an Italian adage instructed, "You may piss a bed, and say you sweated."38

That is the saving grace of humor. If you fail no one is laughing at you.

There is no tragedy so utter that a Belgian, with the best will in the world, can't make worse.

The definition of wit is a joke that doesn't make you laugh.

The only type of humor that is excused lower classness is satire, and satire is the chamber music of comedy - a joke that many people profess to enjoy, but few actually get.

Trojan is giving away Magnum large condoms (do you think they were named after a large wooden animal inside which thousands of little men were hiding, ready to jump out and ruin your life?)

Of course, only Americans can name a shop In-n-Out Burger without collapsing into a heap of dirty sniggers. You know the difference between them and us? To us, a double entendre means only one thing; to them, it means absolutely nothing.

He respects owl, because you can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right.

He said it twice because he had never said it before, and it sounded funny.

Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie, A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly. Ask me a riddle and I reply: "Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie.

Hallo, Rabbit," he said, "is that you?" "Let's pretend it isn't," said Rabbit, "and see what happens." "I've got a message for you." "I'll give it to him.

But, Eeyore," said Pooh, "was it a Joke, or an Accident? I mean--" "I didn't stop to ask, Pooh. Even at the very bottom of the river I didn't stop to say to myself, '*Is* this a Hearty Joke, or is it the Merest Accident?' I just floated to the surface, and said to myself, 'It's wet.' If you know what I mean.

It's a very funny thought that, if Bears were Bees, They'd build their nests at the bottom of trees. And that being so (if the Bees were Bears), We shouldn't have to climb up all these stairs.

even Herodotos suspected that he was being made fun of.

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

I'd like to do a romantic comedy.