Quotes About Humor

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

I was forced to go to a positive-thinking seminar. I couldn't stand it. So I went outside to the parking lot and let half the air out of everybody's tires. As they came out I said, "So, are your tires half-full, or half-empty?"

If everyone who had it shitty and bit the dust became a fart," he said, "the world would stink to the treetops, you know what I mean?

And Desormie dragged the back of his hand back and forth across his mouth twice. And Brodsky coughed fakely to mask his laughter. And there was no more paste in the mouth-corners of Desormie. And Brodsky would not have to stare at paste while they talked in his office. That was nice of me. I went to the gym.

Watch me like a vulture watches a fat mammal that is limping across the floor of a rocky canyon with its tongue out even though I'm your friend who you would never eat.

I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying. Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.

All the kids from daycare are in dreamland. The froggie has made his last leap. Hell no you can't go to the bathroom. You know where you can go? The f**k to sleep.

All the kids from day care are in dreamland. The froggie has made his last leap. Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom. You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.

The cats nestle close to their kittens, The lambs have lain down with the sheep. You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear. Please go the fuck to sleep.

No amount of "evidence" or research will convince the unamused that a joke is funny.

YOU have no room to laugh, that's all. I'm not doing any worse with Boovish than you did with English.' Get off of the car,' J.Lo huffed. 'I am an English superstar.' Uh-uh. There's no comparison. 'Gratuity' in written Boovish has seventeen different bubbles that all have to be the right size and in the right place. 'J.Lo' in written English only has three letters, and you still spelled it 'M-smiley face-pound sign.

I've been punched by a vampire, an Indian girl, and a panda... I should be a video game.

They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?

We found the bathrooms, which were labeled 'Aliens' and 'Femaliens.' 'Finally,' I said to J.Lo. 'Here's a bathroom you're allowed to use.

I guess I'm looking for a woman like my mother, and on our first date she'd put her breast in my mouth.

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

Kids end up seeing my movies anyway but some of the mothers get mad at me so I figured I'd make one that I can't get yelled at for.

I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing 'Maria' from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.

That's the show. it's like 5 minutes of science and then 10 minutes of me hurting myself.

Some of them are wearing skirts that I'm pretty sure are supposed to be belts.

Did you just hit on her by calling her your cousin?" asks Sadie. "'Cause, damn!

Whenever I start thinking about death, it always cheers me up to think about my funeral and my tombstone (which, by the way, will say "Here lies Harlan Sturr. Please don't pee on him.")