Quotes About Humor

Now, this is going to hurt just a little bit, sort of like having your flesh shredded with a cheese grater from the inside and then microwaved. But don't worry, it's not addictive.

A bumper sticker read "Grandma Went To Hell And All I Got Was This Lousy Bumper Sticker.

My tombstone: Andrew Mayhem. He survived knives, chainsaws, guns, and being buried alive. Then the dumbass drank poison.

I'd finally healed enough from the aforementioned buttock injury that sitting was no longer painful, so I was enjoying the experience as much as possible. You don't realize how many times you're required to sit in any given day until you've been stabbed in the rear. And because injuries to that particular region are inherently hilarious, nobody gives you any sympathy. It's a lose-lose situation all around.

That bastard's brain waves had infiltrated my scrotum, reconnecting my vas deferens

I knew what had caused this. It was Roger's sudden desire for children. That bastard's brain waves had infiltrated my scrotum, reconnecting my vas deferens and causing me to impregnate my wife, allowing him to vicariously experience the joys of new fatherhood. I was going to kick his ass the next time I saw him.

But being hit in the face with monkey poo is something that, deep inside, we all believe happens only to other people.

I unrolled the condom completely just in case the killer had written some sort of message on it, but no, it still looked like your standard-issue prophylactic. Wow, these things were huge when you unrolled them all the way.

Boyd wasn't scared of clowns. Never had been. He thought their antics were delightfully amusing, just as they intended.

I realized I was ignoring my girlfriend. I couldn't remember, was it two in the pink and one in the stink? Three in the pink and two in the stink? How many went in the stink?" ~ Jeff strand

How are your dead bones doing today?" "They've been deader." "Good, good, good. That's good. Have a seat on that ice-cold stool and we'll look you over, okay?

Don't lick me, you asshole!" he said, trying to pull his arm free. Crabs licked George's forehead

The problem with having so many naked women trying to hump me senseless was… Actually, there was no problem with it at all.

Every day's a sunshiny day when you don't have maggots and spiders eating your guts.

Seriously, though, do you want a beef stick if they have them?

Stanley flipped up the toilet lid and took a long piss, terrified that he might spring a leak and hit himself in the eye.

I couldn't believe that I was going to die from being slowly eaten alive by chained-up elderly ladies who thought they were vampires. I'd always kind of figured that I would go peacefully in my sleep, after my wife dropped an anvil on my head.

Hellooo Pelican, come in, come in? No? Okay. You just be that way, you petulant bird.

Here's a question I've gotten like 5 times this year. "I haven't read your books yet. Are they any good?" No, I only write shitty books. I love to spend a lot of time writing intricately shitty books and then being painfully truthful about the crapulous product of my shitty labor.

Argh? Pathetic and inarticulate. Nice combination. Your mothers must be so proud.

I did call you a pair of overdeveloped, single-cell Cro-Magnons." "Did you?" "Well I have now." "Nobody calls me an overdeveloped, single-bell crow magnet." "No. I bet nobody does.

Had the situation not been so tragic, we might have laughed.

The New Yorkers by Cathleen Schine

John strums the guitar and begins to sing, "When I die / don't put me in the ground / Put my ashes in the ashtray / and drive me around." He sings the word around like James Taylor does, with a long a. Iris laughs. "Did you write that?" "Nope. A genius songwriter named Warren Nelson wrote that.