Quotes About Humor

are pinched tightly together, she attempts a smile. Arthur can't help it; he thinks she looks constipated.

too. So you see that all my big mistake did was to make for a better party because that's how mistakes are, they make for a kind of relaxation, at least on the part of those not making them.

Life is funny, isn't it? Funny in the way you can never predict not only what will happen, but who you'll become.

Thought it was funny to answer his phone by saying, "You DID?

Marriage is a funny thing. It only really makes sense to the ones who are in it together, and not even always then.

After all, it had been…how long since his last sexual encounter? He did some mental math: carry the one, make the seven an eight…multiply by pi…add the square root of sixty-two…do the hokeypokey and turn yourself around…When he saw the final number, he immediately erased the blackboard. No way could it have

Quick, how do you pick up a cat? Buy her a drink.

Fix yourself something to drink, she said. I don't have any Mr. Pepper. You mean Dr. Pepper? For the love of God! She exploded. People expect everything from a psychic! 'Doctor,' 'mister,' I was close enough. I didn't call it 'Mrs. Salt,' did I?

Frankly, I'm guessing that before getting to my house today, Shoshanna had thought the Hoover Dam was some kind of vacuum cleaner attachment.

You have the opposite of poker face. You have like.. miniature golf face.

Italian men are like show poodles. Sometimes they look so good I want to applaud.

Everything really is going to be okay. (And if not okay, then at least comic.)

Man, they got mosquitoes 'round this place big enough to rape a chicken.

a woman's place is in the kitchen...sitting in a comfortable chair, with her feet up, drinking a glass of wine and watching her husband cook dinner.

I said, It seems like you have fond feelings towrd your ex-wife. Are you two still close? Nah, he said casually. She thinks I changed my name to motherfucker.

There's a wonderful old Italian joke about a poor man who goes to church every day and prays before the statue of a great saint,'Dear saint-please, please, please...give me the grace to win the lottery.' This lament goes on for months. Finally the exasperated statue come to life, looks down at the begging man and says in weary disgust,'My son-please, please, please...buy a ticket.

I always hated hearing old people yammering on like this when I was young. And I do what to assure you: I'm aware that many thing were not better in the 1940s. Underarm deodorants and air-conditioning were woefully inadequate, for instance, so everybody stank like crazy, especially in the summer, and also we had Hitler.

But vegetarians can eat this...Because intestines aren't even meat, Liz. They're just shit.

We had more fun waiting in line together at the Department of Motor Vehicles than most couples have on their honeymoons. We gave each other same nickname, so there would be no separation between us. We made goals, vows, promises and dinner together. He read books to me...

And I do want to assure you: I'm aware that many things were not better in the 1940s. Underarm deodorants and air-conditioning were woefully inadequate, for instance, so everybody stank like crazy, especially in the summer, and also we had Hitler.

Há uma piada italiana muito engraçada sobre um homem pobre que vai todos os dias à igreja rezar diante da estátua de um grande santo, implorando: «Querido santo, por favor, por favor, por favor... dá-me a graça de ganhar a lotaria.» Este lamento continua durante meses. Por fim, a estátua exasperada ganha vida, olha para ele e diz com um ar fatigado: «Meu filho, por favor, por favor, por favor... compra um bilhete.»

I'm aware that many things were not better in the 1940s. Underarm deodorants and air-conditioning were woefully inadequate, for instance, so everybody stank like crazy, especially in the summer, and also we had Hitler.

The other day in prayer I said to God, Look - I understand that an unexamined life is not worth living, but do you think I could someday have an unexamined lunch?.

That's right I was speaking to the creator of universe as though we had just been introduced at a cocktail party.