Quotes About Humor

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Why would you want a picture with a wee, chubby guy from Bathgate? I just don't understand my appeal.

Daft Wee Stories' is, as the title says, daft wee stories. I just sort of rattled them out, tried to make them quite funny, with punchlines - they're kind of like sketches.

Boys can essentially wee anywhere, and my very scientific theory is that this privilege leads to some of the mind-blowing confidence they show in later life - for example, the number of guys I've known who've decided to 'give comedy a go' after finding out that I'm a comedian.

I wasn't a comic book aficionado at all when I was a kid, but my cousin Weed was. Every time we went to visit him on the farm, he had two really fun things: comedy albums and comic books.

The great thing about 'Weeds' is that everything we do is never quite serious enough to be taken seriously. It always has humor behind it, and it think it makes it definitely more fun for the audience.

I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!

I only made $200 a week and I had to buy my own bullets.

Normally during the week between Christmas and New Year I'm slumped in a chair in Birmingham, eating, farting and spouting total nonsense.

When I was 16, I was watching '101 Dalmatians,' and my mom never let me bleach my hair, so I told her I was going to dye my hair like Cruella De Vil; she didn't believe me. I came home with my hair like this, and she didn't talk to me for, like, a week. It was really hilarious.

A lot of the time, you're supposed to play to the top of your intelligence, as truthful as possible. But when you're on stage making people laugh, you're still acting. I think it helped me a bunch to go on stage two or three times a week.

We were called 'Three Men Who, When Standing Side by Side, Have a Wingspan of Over Twelve Feet.' We had that name for a week or so. We were also called 'Are You My Mother?' for awhile. We went through a lot of really dumb band names - almost as dumb as Fountains of Wayne.

If you want to be a comedian, go out. Do a week in Des Moines, Iowa. Try to make those people laugh.

Basically, we used to have a rule at 'Saturday Night Live' that you're not allowed to bring up 'The Simpsons' at the rewrite table, because 'The Simpsons' has done every joke there is. Every week there would be guys going, 'The Simpsons did that.' I go, 'C'mon.' And 'South Park,' too.

In week one of the 'X Factor,' just to be a little bit quirky, I decided to say that I like girls who eat carrots. Ever since I've had lots and lots and lots of carrots.

I do miss Saturday Night Live, that's for sure. There's nothing like it. I just hosted, and I felt I'd only been away for a week.

I used to have a group called Bad-Movie Saturday. Every Saturday, six of us would go see the worst movie that came out each weekend. It'd be noon in Burbank. It was just a running commentary. All executives - we would each talk through the movie and make jokes.

'Weekend Update' can be presented as a full 20-minute sketch, and there's a lot of room there.

I've always loved the 'Weekend Update' people.

I'd say Jordan Henderson's got some good clothes. I call Stevie G 'James Bond' because he looks good in everything, and he's got the lot. I called him James Bond at the weekend, and I don't think he liked it, but that's what I'm calling him! Martin Skrtel's got some good clobber as well.

But it was this tough little character part that I was playing, a very funny little guy that I invented over a weekend, because I realized I was not contributing to the humor of this thing. And I had to do something.

One of my friends went on a murder weekend... now he is doing life for it.

It's an awesome thing to be flung out onto the stage twice a weekend in front of 250 people, and you have to make it up as you go along.

I am such that person that, when I'm working, I'm like, 'Oh, what I wouldn't give for a weekend off!' And then, as soon as I have more that 18 hours without anything to do, I start shaking. It's really funny.