Quotes About Humor

Tank you veddy much.

But I couldn't cut that whole septic tank scene out because the audience liked it so much. So I sort of fell right back into getting a cheap laugh, but I still loved it.

I'll quit tanning when the satchel handle grows out of my back.

I wake up in the morning, it takes me a half hour to find my glasses, just so I can look for my teeth, to tell my wife to find my hair.

Don't drink too much." "When I can spell out your name in shot glasses, I'll stop." "I'll have to get a shorter name." "I'll have to forget how to spell it.

Thanks for treating me like, you know, a person through all this shit. I know that isn't always easy. (Stark) You do have a habit of pissing on other people's welcome mats. But, when a gentleman gives you a booty call to a massacre, it's easy to forgive. Ciao. (Candy)

I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar.

It could have been ten." "What's that mean?" "It's a Hellion joke. When God threw them from Heaven, they fell for nine days, so when everything goes to shit you say…" "…It could have been ten.

I come from a long line of tall-tale talkers. Our family crest is bullets over crossed fingers and underneath it says, 'Bullshit Über Alles.

Oh Christ. Put me back with the zombies, Strawberry Shortcake." [p. 411]

I once considered learning to love iced coffee, but then I remembered I'd have to kill myself, so I gave up the idea.

Brooding is for chickens, as my first-grade teacher used to say. Or maybe it was Lucifer. Homily reciters all kind of run together for me.

She looks like she just saw a ghost, a unicorn, and Hello Kitty having a three-way in a clown car and they didn't invite her. I

You're a philosopher." "No. Just drunk.

If Mason wasn't crazy before, he's definitely joined the banana army now.

That's for me, isn't it? I'm going to Hell." "Don't feel so bad. It beats Fresno.

My back feels like someone beat me with a pillowcase full of tuna-fish cans.

Where are we going?" "For ice cream. What's your favorite flavor?" "Fuck you." "That's my favorite, too.

And you're going to do that all by yourself?" "If I pray real hard, I'm sure I can get the baby Jesus to watch over me." "You just blew up a church," says Candy. "Okay. The Devil then." "That's more like it.

When you live with a dead man's head that won't shut up and smokes all your cigarettes, the only way to deal with the awfulness is to make it so unbelievably awful that it becomes kind of weirdly beautiful. Like an exploding giraffe full of fireworks.

I got my ass kicked by some third-rate spooks and now my nice kitchen looks like a drunk brontosaurus tried to fuck the dishwasher.

So far, being dead is about as much fun as a barbed-wire G-string. Yes, there is such a thing. They invented it in Hell, which is where I am. I already said I was dead. Where else would I be? Try to keep up.

Proximity to normalcy is a nice turn of phrase; you ought do a needlepoint, frame it and shove it straight up your ass. Keep it there with the rest of your wisdom.

He says, "Look into your heart, Stark," and hangs up. I look into my heart and all I can see is bourbon and me punching Samael in the balls.