Quotes About Humor

Traven walks away as a stream of havoc members come by to pat me on the back, punch my arm, and shake my hand. I smile and nod like it's the Oscars and I just won Best Supporting Asshole.

No hospitals, she says. I know. Where are we going? For ice cream. What's your favorite flavor? Fuck you. That's my favorite, too.

Besides Getting my ass kicked, my main accomplishment on this trip has been to massacre an incredible number of completely innocent clothes. I'm the Joseph Stalin of laundry.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

By the time I left Phnom Penh I could have written a Cambodian cookbook called 50 Ways to Wok Your Dog.

Llegué con cincuenta años de adelanto», dice Ben Johnson con un tono tan satisfecho como triste. «Yo era capaz de hacer lo mismo que hace hoy en día Usain Bolt. La velocidad a la que él es capaz de correr en estas pistas tan rápidas de hoy en día es la misma a la que podría haber corrido yo». Y lo repite, «Llegué con cincuenta años de adelanto. ¡Cincuenta años!». Lanza una carcajada, la misma que lanzaría ante una broma pesada.

when all else fails, he thought, make an offering to the god of laughter.

Good. I didn't hear the four a.m. rooster alarm." "I did," Taylor said. "It went on for like ten minutes before I rebooted it." "You rebooted a rooster?" "I think so. It stopped mid-crow.

That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," Mike said. "Except bears. Bears will kill you.

What a peculiar alchemist is time—transforming painful experiences into comedy.

Grandma, how old is she?" "Oh I don't know." Grandma said. "You'd have to cut off her head and count the rings in her neck.

Humor is anger that was sent to finishing school.

This world will try to beat you down. Only laughter can counteract that. Laughter is ammunition. Resupply often.

This world will try to beat you down. Laughter is ammunition. Resupply often.'

You all know how black humor started? It started on slave ships. Cat was rowing and dude says, "What you laughin' about?" And he says, "Yesterday I was a king."

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit.

Two bright young men were on the air, one named Brad, who looked like Dana Carvey, and one named Mike, who looked like an agitated Steve Martin... But I have a hunch that Brad and Mike will be around for a long time. The full names, by the way are Brad Keena and Mike Schwartz.

Whether it's viewers of the show or readers of my columns and books, I'm consistently impressed with their wit, humor and insight. That goes for about 95 percent of the audience. The other five percent are why the 'Delete' option and restraining orders were invented.

People often ask me how I make things funny. I don't make things funny.

If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke.

At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is frequently hilarious.