Quotes About Humor

If cell phones came with a cigarette dispenser, they'd be the greatest stupid invention ever.

As far as assholes go, you're not the biggest one I ever met." "That I'll take as a compliment.

Sometimes we do dumb things to amuse women.

Ignore him. He thinks the Last Supper was nachos and Twinkies.

ONCE UPON A time I was a regular jackass living a regular jackass life.

Remind me not to get on your bad side." "You still think I have a good side?" "There's a search party out for it but I'm optimistic they'll turn up something.

I say, "How do I look?" "Like a pail of manure dragged down a bumpy road and dumped into a river of puke," says a familiar voice from behind me.

An angel wouldn't know fun if it showed up in a blimp with dancing girls and a full bar.

Look on the bright side. You didn't bleed all over my clean floor," Kasabian says. "Your floor was always my utmost concern.

The first person to say 'Intelligent Design' has to wear the Charles Darwin beard I keep in my desk for the rest of the year.

I'm okay." "You're an idiot is what you are." "That too probably.

What's up with your face? I mean you're an ugly bloke, but today you're top-drawer hideous.

Oh God. It's like you're smoking a pig's ass, and the pig isn't well.

All great men begin as fools. It's one of life's little jokes.

Here's to all the guys better looking than us. May they all die first.

Start talking or we're going to see if you can dog-paddle through fire. I wonder if fried Hellion tastes like spicy or original recipe?

Anyway, there's nothing at all humiliating about clutching ten pounds of ice like your firstborn while the damn bag leaks all over your crotch so it looks like you pissed yourself with joy. I crack open another beer to celebrate fatherhood and keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for Candy.

I heard every time you call an excommunicated priest 'Father,' an angel gets hemorrhoids.

What do you want me to do?" says Kasabian. "I don't think Howard can get out of the bedroom, but if he does . . ." "I know. Punch him in the balls." "You got it.

She screws up her face in a parody of deep concentration.

I'm sweating like a hog tap-dancing in a sauna.

I sit on a leather easy chair. It's the most comfortable piece of furniture in the universe. My ass wants to divorce me and marry it.

What happened to your face?" she says. She pulls down my shirt a few inches. Spots more scars. "And the rest of you." "Never follow a foul ball into a wood chipper," I say. "We didn't even win the game.

Maybe I should have kept my rock. At least I wouldn't look quite so much like a deer caught in the headlights. No. I'd look like a deer with a rock. Forget it. We