Quotes About Humor

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

L'esprit de l'escalier [staircase wit].

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

Get a grip, dude, you're losing bad." "Depends how you look at it." "Only so many ways to look at a fourteen-seven score." Wyatt shrugged, palming the ball in both hands. "Way I figure, I have a beautiful wife inside, and you're playing footsie with your engaged, possibly mentally ill adversary." He chucked the ball at Jake, grinning. "You do the math.

He does that again, I'll knock him into tomorrow." "We haven't even left the church parking lot. Didn't you hear Pastor's message?" "Didn't Beau?" Between them, Olivia chuckled. "He was loving his neighbor, all right." Shay smothered a laugh, then glanced at Travis. He looked torn between anger and humor. "Yeah, well, he'd better find another neighbor to love. This one's my wife.

Life on the Reservation, he observed, was "particularly hard on those who lack a sense of humor.

That got a big laugh. For the rest of the journey, whenever there was a pause or the mood dipped, someone would repeat the punchline and everyone would laugh. This went on until the garrotting in the toilet.

Oh God, Leon's laugh. So dark and wild you could drown a bag of kittens in it.

He and Homer were laughing. That was a bad sign. It meant the men were getting along, and she would get stuck doing all the work.

Right ... And I'm not sayin' that if brains were water, you wouldn't have enough to baptise a flea.

May shook her head. "Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's wearing a diaper.

Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.

She wears only black-rimmed glasses, and is holding a paperback titled Murder and Mayhem in Goose Pimple Junction. Her light