Quotes About Humor

Of all the various unpleasant ways to be aroused from a sound sleep, one of the worst is the noise of a dragon and a unicorn playing tag. Myth Conceptions by Robert Asprin

Has anyone ever told you," I said, "that you coalesce reality?" "No. They only say that I'm good in the sack." "They are accurate but limited," I said. "And if you give me their names I'll kill them.

Why don't you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry Martini?

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

without knowing what is funny, one is constantly in danger of being funny without knowing it.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

I haven't had this much fun since the rats ate my baby sister

Whoever dreamed up Scrabble had an exaggerated idea of how many seven-letter words have five i's.

Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie — not perfect but who's complaining?

In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families — that they are least two-thirds incontinent.

Optimist: someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play.

Life is a vale of tears in which there are moments you just can't stop giggling.

Sometimes I wonder — if I were drop-dead handsome, and every woman I met actually dropped dead, would I ever get tired of it?

Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire.

Sometimes I think my life would make a great TV movie. It even has the part where they say, "Stand by. We are experiencing temporary difficulties."

We are each the star of our own situation comedy, and, with luck, the screwball friend in somebody else's.