Quotes About Humor

I'm not going to breast-feed. I've put this off so long, I'm sure my milk has expired.

My husband thinks that health food is anything he eats before the expiration date.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

The word aerobics came about when they gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down."

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down."

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

The old theory was "Marry an older man, because they're more mature." But the new theory is: "Men don't mature. Marry a younger one."

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.'

Heckle and Jeckle again

A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.

Me don't go boom boom in no ones panties.

Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!

Beans is a thot

Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.