Quotes About Humor

Lock up your daughters and hide your drugs (not that I would be looking for them because I never touch them).

And the reason we were laughing so much was—honestly you're going to love this, we [fill in amusing and heart-warming anecdote here].)

"Are you lost, daddy?" I arsked tenderly."Shut up," he explained.

Mr. Fitzgerald is a novelist and Mrs. Fitzgerald is a novelty

Are you lost, Daddy?" I asked tenderly. "Shut up," he explained.

Then we quit jokeing and he says You have improved a hole lot

The trouble with leaving your feet on the ground is you never get to take your pants off.

Media question to Beatles during first U.S. tour 1964) "How do you find America?" "Turn left at Greenland.

any guy can buy you flowers, but the one who buys you hemorrhoid cream must really, really love you.

Have you ever heard a good joke? If you've ever heard someone just right, with the right pacing, then you're already on the way to poetry. It's about using words in very precise ways and using gesture.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

He unzipped his pants and his brains fell out.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

My husband's car goes from zero to sixty in ten seconds, and that makes him happy. I just don't know why he'd ever want to do that. Maybe someday he'll find an open stretch of road and play Frisbee with himself.

It gets harder to name children when you get older. Because by the time you're in your thirties every name you think of reminds you of someone you hate. We have to hurry; we're down to Jethro and Nefertiti.

These big birthday parties my friends make for their kids. One of my friends had a surprise party for her child. He was one year old. We all snuck in around the crib, jumped up, and yelled, "Surprise!" He's in therapy now.

What are men wearing? Why do they think women like horse saddles and pine sap? If a man wanted me to follow him down the street, he should wear something called "Butter Cookie" or, even better, "Croissant."

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Whenever anything went wrong in my life, my mother would say, "All things happen for the best." And I'd ask, "Who's best?" And she'd say, "Gotta go."

My last credit card bill was so big. Before I opened it I actually heard a drum roll.

My mom took up belly dancing. In order to make it appear like she was moving, my father and I had to jiggle the furniture in back of her.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty-six hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours.