Quotes About Humor

We sometimes laugh from ear to ear, but it would be impossible for a smile to be wider than the distance between our eyes.

Happiness isn't a fortune in a cookie. It's deeper, wider, funnier, and more transporting than that.

Programming is a pretty tricky thing to start learning. You need to combine it with comedy to get a wider audience.

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

To be a trophy wife, you have to be a trophy. I am more of a commemorative plaque.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

A man must have something to grumble about; and if he can't complain that his wife harries him to death with her perversity and ill-humour, he must complain that she wears him out with her kindness and gentleness.

My wife is Swedish, so I'm familiar with the Scandinavian kind of odd humor. It's very dark and very deadpan.

I guess I've got a smart wife.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: 'Boy, you are skinny, aren't you?' I said: 'Honey, I'd like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.'

I unfortunately don't speak French, but my wife is now fluent in English, which really reflects rather badly on me.

I will never shave off my beard and moustache. I did once, for charity, but my wife said, 'Good grief, how awful, you look like an American car with all the chrome removed.'

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

I remember seeing a movie with Jose Ferrer and Rosemary Clooney where they were husband and wife, and they got in bed, and he had on polka-dot pajamas and she had on striped pajamas, and when they got up the next morning he had on the striped pajamas and she had the polka dot pajamas, and that was considered racy at that time!

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Take my wife... Please!

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.