Quotes About Humor

My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

My wife is my favorite person I've ever met in my 40 years on the planet, and I'm sure she would agree that patience is not her strongest characteristic. I don't know that golf would be the game for her.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I'm not great at bedtime stories. Bedtime stories are supposed to put the kid to sleep. My kid gets riled up and then my wife has to come in and go, 'All right! Get out of the room.'

My wife used to tell me one of my best qualities was that my feet don't smell, but I remember my brother's did when we were kids.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

My wife is a great dancer. But I don't dance.

Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Why bother with Google when I have a wife who knows everything about everything!

My notion of a wife at 40 is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two 20s.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My wife thought I was Vincent Schiavelli, and we married.

Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages.

My wife and I both come from Irish families. There are two kinds of Irish families: the hitting kind and the kidding kind. If you're fortunate - and both of us are - you come from the kidding kind of Irish family.

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

I love Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart because they're bringing irony back into American humor, which is a delicious treat. The entire Colbert persona of being extreme right-wing when he's not at all is highly amusing. He does it so well, but sometimes a little too well. My wife is convinced he's completely that way.