Quotes About Humor

humor somehow comes through thanks to a gifted translator. Gianrico

Sarcasm is a weapon of the intellectual

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

When I read the pilot 'for Married with Children', it just reminded me of my Uncle Joe... just a self-deprecating kind of guy. He'd come home from work, and the wife would maybe say 'I ran over the dog this morning in the driveway'. And he would say 'Fine, what's for dinner?

People who fish for food, and sport be damned, are called pot-fishermen. The more expert ones are called crack pot-fishermen. All other fishermen are called crackpot fishermen. This is confusing.

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who've had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you've got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.

Cake or death?

What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

I am an evil Giraffe.

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?

I'm covered in bees!

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.

Mom." "What?" She was trying to help. In her own way, this was warm and fuzzy. "Thanks for supper." "It wasn't even on sale," she said. "I paid full price for that crap." "When someone pays retail, that's love," Jared said.

The goodness of the true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.

I do not suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.