Quotes About Humor

What's the worst that could happen? A tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

In this country, the people who affect things the most—how the rest of us think and feel—are comics. It's true. Because a comic needs to understand the big picture in order to fracture it and present it to people so they can see it more clearly. Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

Kids are cute, but they're so rude. I was taking a shower, when my daughter came in and said, "Gosh Mom, I hope when I grow up my breasts are nice and long like yours."

I've got three kids. I had one with the birth control pill, one with a diaphragm, and another with the IUD. I don't know what happened to my IUD, but I have my suspicions. That kid picks up HBO.

I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

My major vice is sarcasm with a side of caffeine addiction.

Long-haired Chihuahuas have no notion they are bite-sized.

You have a funny way of showing how much you don't like me." "I don't like gophers, either, but I wouldn't leave one to suffer. I'd shoot it to put it out of its misery.

How do I know what *you've* got in your pants?' He choked, and so did I, for different reasons. 'Pockets!' I corrected.

Once he accidentally singed his pubic hair while prancing about in a gold lamé g-string during a fire ritual.

Her laconic humor helped. She could say, "I don't any longer have the pleasant illusion that I can be free of the label 'Stalin's daughter.' . . . You can't regret your fate, though I do regret my mother didn't marry a carpenter."2

Better to be a laughing-stock than lose the fort for fear of being one.

My job is mostly to entertain and be funny.

The laugh came then, a marvelous honking hoorah so infectious that Dill felt it should be quarantined.

Exhausted after a full day of treating patients, William Carlos Williams angrily answered the phone. "Doctor," said a woman's voice, "my child has swallowed a mouse." "Then get him to swallow a cat," he replied, and slammed down the receiver.

He spoke gently, laughed often, and never exercised his wit at the expense of others.

No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12.

Mr. Bean is at his best when he is not using words, but I am equally at home in both verbal and nonverbal expression.

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.

As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself 'the last thing you must do is forget your speech.' And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech.