Quotes About Humor

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns to be amused rather than shocked.

I've got soggy thighs. It must be dinner time.

Yeah, Hitman I suppose is most of the time a lighter read than Preacher; it was always going to be.

You know it's time for a New Year's resolution to lose weight when you step on a talking scale and it says, "One at a time, please.

Good to know we're all twelve years old mentally. Keeps things in perspective.

(On seeing a former lover for the first time in years) I thought I told you to wait in the car.

Why are people born? Why do they die? Why do they want to spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Why cat were given such terrific peripheral vision when they spend so much time looking down their noses is difficult to understand.

I'm a little disappointed I didn't get fiddled with by a TSA agent at the airport. I feel unwanted. Maybe next time.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

Tom took Susan to his mother's house and introduced her to Marguerite. Thereafter, when his mother referred to Susan, she called her "that slutty little girl," which Tom and Susan found hilarious. When he sent Susan notes, Tom addressed them to "Dear Slutty Little Girl.

But Fate was in an impish mood that night.

It's great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I don't even have a dog. I tell people I'm allergic so they won't think less of me. Instead I have a cat, the pet that ranks just above a throw pillow in terms of responsibility required.

I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.

Her defeat did not stop Mrs Fish exercising her sharp and often cruel wit even against those she counted as friends. She even stood up to the formidable Alva, a close confidante, when Alva accused her of telling all their friends that she, Alva, looked like a frog. 'No, no!' cried Mamie, 'not a frog! A toad, my pet, a toad.

Because a mother's love is God's greatest joke.

I am sorry. I can not invite you home for Christmas because I am Irish and my family is mad

our father used to tell us stories about a bookworm named Wally. Wally, a squiggly little vermicule with a red baseball cap, didn't merely like books. He ate them.

There's one golden rule to keep before you: laugh about everything and don't bother yourself about the others!

There's only one thing to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else!

We, who fill our stomachs with nothing but boiled lettuce, raw lettuce, spinach, spinach and more spinach. Maybe we'll end up being as strong as Popeye, though so far I've seen no sign of it!