Quotes About Humor

A great pickup line is one I don't even notice. It has me connecting with you, laughing, having a good time. And that definitely gets my attention.

At the time, it was a really funny joke [Fluffy] and I went back and forth with going against the joke or embrace it. I decided to embrace it and now we're talking about it, so it was a good call.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

I shall drink no # wine before it's time! OK, it's time.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I was telling people if every time I answered a question about Multan I got a rupee, I would be a multimillionaire by now.

That's the trouble with Nick. The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet.

The best time to laugh is anytime you can.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

The first time I ever saw him play, Tre Cool was wearing a tutu and an old-womans swimming cap.

When's the last time you went into a barber shop and saw everyone there unconsious?

I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, Did you know it's time for your annual check-up? No, but now my mailman does.

I've known Nicholas Parsons for a fairly long time and his geniune pleasures are in rubber tubes, metal clips

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

Kristin Bauer is so funny. Half the time I'm working with her I'm just trying to keep a straight face.

I am going to dedicate myself, full time, to my day-drinking.

Spending so much time on the road, I get to fart all the time. Then when it's, like, Thanksgiving dinner and I'm sitting with my grandmother, I can't fart for, like, two hours.

At first, my presence in my photos was fascinating and disturbing. But as time passed and I was more a part of other ideas in my photos, I was able to add a giggle to those feelings.