Quotes About Humor

Seriousness is an accident of time. It consists of putting too high a value on time. In eternity there is no time. Eternity is a moment, just long enough for a joke

I think there's nothing wrong with eating all the time. At least i'm not doing anything illegal.

One time I tried to marry a chicken.

You must pardon me, gentlemen, for being a most unconscionable time a-dying.

Being short never bothered me for three seconds. The rest of the time I wanted to commit suicide.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I climbed like a billion stairs... its not like I can take them two at a time.

I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time.

When I played baseball I got death threats all the time--from my mother.

One of my secrets is to joke all the time.

Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.

Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

It's all in fun. I take everything with a grain of salt.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

Every time we go by KFC, my kids ask me to honk and they yell 'Boo' out the window.

My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.

At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.

If I didn't try to eavesdrop on every bus ride I take or look for the humor when I go for a walk, I would just be depressed all the time.

I put my own d*ck in my mouth. I was 14 and much more flexible at the time. It was soft and required a lot of pulling. I really wanted that case of beer.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.

There was a time I thought I was a ferret.

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.