Quotes About Humor

Detente - isn't that what a farmer has with his turkey - until Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

I don't want any vegetables, thank you. I paid for the cow to eat them for me.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.

The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

I like to stuff myself at Thanksgiving, not turkeys.

Thanksgiving Day is a day devoted by persons with inflammatory rheumatism to thanking a loving Father that it is not hydrophobia.

The inspiration was this great group of 40 or 50 relatives, sometimes for Thanksgiving or Passover or something and my brothers would just go up and make them laugh.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

Last time I had three or four of those I crapped for three days straight!

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

One time we saw some hookers but when we got closer we realized it was Motley Crue.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I had my electricity turned off three times because I never had time to pay my bills. It was a joke. I'm making a ton of money, and I'm walking around my apartment with flashlights.

I would like to thank the people who encouraged me to draw army cartoons at a time when the gag man's conception of the army was one of mean ole sergeants and jeeps which jump over mountains.