Quotes About Humor

He (Branch Rickey) must think I went to the Massachesetts Constitution of Technology.

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the 'most reliable Windows ever.' To me, this is like saying that asparagus is 'the most articulate vegetable ever.'

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

Technology. It's like science, only useless.

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."

I am sorry to say there is too much point to the wise crack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.

Reilly Brown is a master of balancing action, humor, and extreme violence, and his character designs for some of the alien races and technology that we encounter is just amazing.

Jack, I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Oh Mom, you're way too old to be having a mid-life crisis.

It could have been worse. He could have said he wasn't a 'dessert person' and then I would have been forced to jump out of a moving car.

I spread my arms. "In the Rainbow Jungles of Ever there lives what I affectionately call, killer ducks.

I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable.

I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.

What you are about to read are based on true events. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, and it will break your heart. Don't say I didn't warn you.

If I had to choose between dribbling past 5 players and scoring from 40 yards at Anfield or shagging miss world, it'd be a hard choice. Thankfully, i've done both

I'm so thankful that I have gotten the opportunity to fulfill my life purpose of staying inside on tumblr all day.

The best advice about getting older? Just be thankful you're not dead!

All I have to be thankful for in this world is that I was sitting down when my garter busted.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I understand that being able to appeal to the public and having an amazing sense of humour is not something that comes easy. It's definitely a gift and for which I'm thankful.

My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.