Quotes About Humor

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?' Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

Cake!" said Tubby Ted, "I'd give hundred pounds for a piece of cake!" "The only hundred pounds you HAVE are around your waist!" said Prentiss.

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

The bride seemed genuinely happy showing off her new husband, and her friends were too polite to ask if he was the best unemployed baboon she could find.

but just let me tell you what Kadie did the other day …" Death Bird waited with ill-concealed impatience until Rap's tale was complete. Without even a smile at the punchline, he launched into a dull and pointless account of how his oldest son, Blood Beak, had killed his first bear.

We could end up with the world's first Mr and Mrs Dave and Dave Gorman-Gorman!

It's funny recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child.