Quotes About Humor

What happened to the pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parents' bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, muttering to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!

What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.

Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages.

He]talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages.

Shall I compare thee to a blue veined cheese thou art more moldy and more curdly blue

Man, I wish life had emoticons, you know? So that when your dad pisses you off you could like click a mental button or something and just show him one of those rolleyes. That would rock) Anyway.

He wasn't just dead; he was severely dead. He was one of the deadest people Hughes had ever seen, and Hughes had seen quite a few.

I was going to bake you a cake with a hacksaw in it," he said without preamble, " but-" "But you realized it wouldn't work." "Well, no. I realized I don't know how to bake.

Oh, that was smooth. I'm as subtle as a fart.

Stop what?" Howie demanded. "Stop loving you, Jazz? I wish I could quit you, but I can't. Someday, we'll run off to New York and get married, the way God intended it." Despite himself, Jasper cracked a grin. "Sorry, man my nips only go out about this far." He mimed a quarter inch. "Oh, well, in that case, nice to know ya…

Rich people can afford anything, even better laughter.

Delivering your message with a funny or touching story end is the key to creating emotion and making a lasting impact in their hearts and minds.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"     —Rita Rudner Long

a 24-year-old carpenter in the Philippines was told a joke by a friend. The carpenter thought the joke was so funny, he laughed until he cried, collapsed, and then died. (Although I know what the joke was, I cannot tell it to you for your own safety.)

Can I borrow your face for a few days while my butt is on vacation?

I should probably apologize for how much I swear, but fuck it. I've read that some people think swearing shows a lack of imagination and a limited vocabulary, but sometimes "darn" and "poop" and "oh heck" just don't cut it. Besides, swearing is kind of fun.

Where does a child of mine get all that hair, I wonder? Arthur's not exceptionally hirsute, and the men on my side of the family are as bald as potatoes. I must have had an affair with a gorilla before he was born, but you'd think I'd remember something like that, wouldn't you? ... Be a dear and remind me to leave my brandy flask at home the next time I visit the zoo.

Every time a book opens, an angel coughs up a hairball.

But, Jesus, Tommy, what do you expect me to say? I grew up with you. When we were kids your fly was open more often than the twenty-four-hour laundromat. If your dick had been a gun you could have outdrawn Doc Holliday.

When computers learn how to make jokes, artists will be in serious trouble.

Everyone underestimates the kick to the groin.

People do crazy things when bored. I'm sitting at home with nothing to do, looking at the cats, and think, "I'll teach the cats to wrestle." You should never teach cats to wrestle, but if you do, here's how: Get two cats. Take cat number one, and rub catnip all over hime. Put him next to cat number two. The rest just sort of happens.