Quotes About Humor

You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes ya did. Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?

What happened was that 400 people showed up for six jobs. So I'm standing there for three hours drinking coffee just so some punk kid can ask me if I have any special skills; I told him, "yeah, bladder control."

I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.

Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt!

Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve? Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks. The first vampire asks for blood. The second vampire asks for blood. The third vampire asks for some hot water. The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?" "Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a used tampon, "I'm making tea.

A bear and a bunny are out in the forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says, "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?" "No, not really," says the bunny. So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

What is the difference between a fox and a pig? About five drinks.

What's a practical nurse? One who marries a wealthy old patient.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.

A guy is on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. He parks the car and starts kissing and fondling her, and, as befits her reputation, she is quite responsive. The petting continues, and soon he puts his hand inside her panties. She seems to be enjoying it, but suddenly she pushes him away, screaming, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" "That's not a ring. That's my watch!

What's the speed limit for sex? Sixty-eight. Because at sixty-nine you have to turn around.

A sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy. He says to the guy, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night.'" "That's right," replies the husband. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.

What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock that stays up all night.

What does a horny frog say? "Rub-it.

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well, that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen.

A woman walks into a bar with her five-pound Chihuahua and carefully places the little dog near her feet. She soon notices that the guy sitting next to her looks a little bit queasy. He's clutching his stomach and grimacing, and he's sweating profusely. After a few minutes the guy doubles over and vomits. Afterward, he notices the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!

Debbie got her vibrator stuck inside her, so she went to her gynecologist. "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation." "I don't think I can afford that," said Debbie. "Could you just replace the batteries?

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

A preacher goes into a bar and says, "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says, "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" He returns a few minutes later to find another sign saying, "So did I!

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.

A guy gets into bed with his wife and he's real horny. She says, "Not tonight. I'm going to the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh." He says, "Well, you're not going to the fucking dentist are you?