Quotes About Humor

A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.

Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

On Oscar Wilde:] If, with the literate, I am Impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Oscar said it. [ Life Magazine, June 2, 1927]

Sometimes I think I'll give up trying, and just go completely Russian and sit on a stove and moan all day.

There's life for you. Spend the best years of your life studying penmanship and rhetoric and syntax and Beowulf and George Eliot, and then somebody steals your pencil.

It turns out that, at social gatherings, as a source of entertainment, conviviality, and good fun, I rank somewhere between a sprig of parsley and a single ice-skate.

All I have to be thankful for in this world is that I was sitting down when my garter busted.

There must be courage; there must be no awe. There must be criticism, for humor, to my mind, is encapsulated in criticism. There must be a disciplined eye and a wild mind...There must be a magnificent disregard of your reader, for if he cannot follow you, there is nothing you can do about it.

Excuse my dust.

My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway of the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start, Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart, -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him.

Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.

I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets.... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.

For a few minutes, everything is so cute that the mind reels.... And then, believe it or not, things get worse. So I shot myself.

I've never been a millionaire but I know I'd be just darling at it.

Why, that dog is practically a Phi Beta Kappa. She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw -- I don't say she will but she can.

I know that ridicule may be a shield, but it is not a weapon.

One more drink and I'd have been under the host.

Tonstant Weader fwowed up.

The lads I've met in cupid's deadlock Were - shall we say? - born out of wedlock

He and I had an office so tiny, that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery.

Yes, I once was the toast of two continents! (...Greenland & Australia).

I wish I could drink like a lady I can take one or two at the most Three and I'm under the table Four and I'm under the host.