Quotes About Humor

In some households you only have to turn up three times before you're expected to make your own tea, draw up a chair in front of the telly and call the cat a bastard.

You shouldn't make jokes about these things," she said. "Science doesn't have all the answers, you know." "It's got all the best questions, though,

This is where the whole ape-descended thing reveals its worth, I thought madly. Sucks to be you, quadruped. Opposable thumbs - don't leave home without them.

He threw a fireball at me. I threw a chimney stack at him - that's the London way.

Urban Outfitters, eh," said Beverley. "That explains the Dr Denim shirt." "My mum bought me that," I said. "And you think that's less embarrassing?

Bollocks, I thought, or testiculi or possibly testiculos if we were using the accusative.

What's it a charm for?' she asked. The man thought about this for a moment. 'It's your basic all-enveloping protection charm,' he said, his hands describing a cupped circle in the air. 'For protection against...' 'Envelopes?' said Abigail.

Abigail stared suspiciously at Lesley. "Why are you wearing a mask?" she asked. "Because my face fell off," said Lesley. Abigail considered this for a moment and then nodded. "Okay," she said.

Never diss somebody's mum, never play chess with the Kurdish mafia, and never lie down with a woman who's more magical than you are. I

He said it was wife's idea to name their daughter after him but I didn't believe him. Could have been worse, I decided. It could have been Nigella.

For a terrifying moment I thought he was going to hug me. Fortunately, we both remembered we were English just in time. Still...it was a close call." ~ Peter Grant

At least, right up to the point where she bit his dick off. 'With her vagina?' I asked, just to be clear. 'Yep,' said St John. 'You're sure?' 'It's not the sort of thing you make a mistake about,' he said. 'And you're sure it was teeth?' 'It felt like teeth,' he said. 'But to be honest, after it happened I really stopped paying attention.

Do you know what happened to the last police officer who made a joke about DS Stephanopoulos?" "No, what did happen to him?" "Nobody else knows either

You'll need lots of chips to go with that lot." "And salt too, ha ha." "Ha ha." "We aren't going around to other shops buying up all their vinegar, are we?" "No, now we need some plastic buckets.

Will you be all right driving in this snow?" She found that hilarious. "This is not snow," she said. "Where I'm from, you know, you have snow when you can't find your car the next morning.

Oh shit, I thought, if this isn't the Low King of the Dwarves then I'm the President of the Cricklewood Branch of the Women's Institute.

although of course at the Serious Cybernetics Corporation, lunchtime was an illusion.

No," said the fox. "But the bag of cheese puffs she's carrying might be." "Hahaha," I said. "Boom bloody boom." "On Earth as it is on television," said the fox, and ducked out of sight.

Kumar and I ended up stuffing tissue paper up our nostrils, but agreed that if we had to come down again more drastic action would be justified - like amputation.

I don't like my bacon sandwich to be curiously snuffling at my fingers.

This is where the whole ape-descended thing reveals its worth, I thought madly, sucks to be you, quadruped.

I think if actors don't think of themselves as funny in real life they think they can't do comedy.

I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right.

This is similar, perhaps, to the tone in which I say, "Oh, they serve small plates, right?" when someone suggests eating at a tapas restaurant.) Beginning