Quotes About Humor

Our fans are great; our team is nifty! We're going to get blown out by fifty!

Hey, things like that happen at the Academy too," I insisted, almost triumphantly. "Last year the freezers failed so there was no ice for"—the wind went out of my sails as I realized how lame this was going to sound—"the sushi bar." He nodded sympathetically. "You guys should get T-shirts made. You know: I Survived the Sushi Crisis.

You didn't have to stab yourself on stage. All that blood —" "It was ketchup." "It was gross

Hey," I shoot back, "you can talk trash about me, but lay off my Tater Tots!

Why don't you share how you hurt your leg? I'm guessing it was a football injury." "No way," Barnstorm scoffs. "The tackler isn't born who can catch me. I was changing a lightbulb in the bathroom and I slipped off the toilet seat.

She was salted in the ladies' room?

It's kind of a joke. It was supposed to be 'Come alive with the Pepsi generation.' But it actually translates more like 'Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.

There are smart phones and dumb phones. His is a rock.

It's cat food — it's for people like you!" Saladin

That's the whole reason we're here, isn't it?" she persists. "Not to swim in their pool, and sleep in their beds, and eat their Tater Tots. Who invented those things, anyway? Pure starch and oil!" "Hey," I shoot back, "you can talk trash about me, but lay off my Tater Tots!

All you do is complain. At least you got picked for something. The last time I got picked for something? Third grade. Hall monitor. Got so nervous I threw up, slipped in my own barf, and broke my wrist.

If I had to watch Matt take one more bite of that veggie patty, I would have popped a blood vessel.

Another of my crimes against humanity, like bullying her brother, and not dying when I fell off the roof.

That's not gross; that's one gross. It means there's a hundred and forty-four vuvuzelas in each carton.

So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter.

Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan's library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn't finished coloring either one of them.

You know what Mr. Bates called me?" Seward shook his head with wonder. "An unprincipled liar. And here I am one of the most heavily principled men in politics." Lincoln chuckled. In every way, making allowances for regional differences, Seward's humor was not unlike his own. "And since you're a smart man, Governor, you never actually lie. Smart men never have to.

In this I resemble God at the moment he created the universe with a single fart.

For male readers: imagine being nine months constipated having inadvertently swallowed a coconut whole, and then being asked to lie on an operating table, legs apart, with lots of people watching dressed in silly clothes. Would you be able to shit?

There was always another side to a joke, the side of the victim.

To all pimps and whores a merry syphilis and a happy gonorrhea.

You'd taken my disbelief into Your love, keeping them to show me later, so that we could both laugh.

I ought to write funny books. Life is really too horribly funny, but unless one`s an outsider looking on, it`s all such a bore.

Hullo, commandant,' I said, 'how's the General?' 'Which general?' he asked with a shy grin. 'Surely in the Caodaist faith,' I said, 'all generals are reconciled.