Quotes About Humor

God created man, but I could do better.

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

There it was: number 42. Another of Halliday's jokes—according to one of his favorite novels, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the number 42 was the "Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

You're a fucking toaster!

Goddammit!" he shouted. "Well, what am I supposed to do with it now?" "You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog." COURTESY

Smooth move, Ex-lax," I heard Art3mis say.

As dazed as I was, I still remembered to say I was from Portland instead of Beaverton, to avoid sounding like a hick—or having to endure any beaver-related attempts at humor.

Surely, you must be joking," Aech said. "No, I am not joking. And don't call me Shirley.

You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog." COURTESY VIOLATION—RESPONSE MUTED—VIOLATION LOGGED.

I'd only just learned the term "gallows humor" a few months earlier, from a book we'd been assigned in American Literature about the Civil War. At the time, it wasn't a type of humor I thought I would ever be in a position to experience. But now, as hearing Chén belt out Roddy Piper's battle cry from They Live in Chinese struck me as one of the funniest things I'd ever heard in my life, I understood the concept perfectly.

Students weren't allowed to use their avatar names while they were at school. This was to prevent teachers from having to say ridiculous things like "Pimp_Grease, please pay attention!" or "BigWang69, would you stand up and give us your book report?

He was dressed in a plaid bathrobe and bunny slippers

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.—Groucho Marx