Quotes About Relationships

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

It's important I surround myself with people who make me happy.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Find 100 reasons to laugh. You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you. Besides unhappiness, what do you have to lose?

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

Why do you work so hard to make yourself disliked? I should think you'd find it happens enough on its own without putting yourself to any extra trouble.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

I do find that humor helps in relationships. It certainly helps in my marriage now because I'm a very, very fallible person. And if I wasn't funny I'd be kicked right out the door.

I never ask my wife about my flaws. Instead I try to get her to ignore them and concentrate on my sense of humor.

Jewish introspection and Jewish humor is a way of surviving . . . if you're not handsome and you're not athletic and you're not rich, there's still one last hope with girls, which is being funny.

Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

There are a lot of movies with vampires and monsters and super-great effects, but if there's no humor or human relations, I don't think it's ever worth seeing.

Can human beings change? The humor, and the sadness, of remarriage comedies can be said to result from the fact that we have no good answer to that question.

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

I hate girls that giggle all the time... You hate any girl that David looks at.

It is one of the major tragedies that nothing is more discomforting than the hearty affection of the Old Friends who never were friends.

You know where we got stuck? We were looking for faithfull, loving and perfect relationships-males who were always glad to see us." "So?" "We already have that!" "What do you mean?" "We've got dogs!

When you involve people, they come out, you see them, you get to see their sense of humor.

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

I'm making fun of myself and I think I'm making fun of all men in our desperate, desperate attempt to understand the people we're with and hopefully through humor have them understand us.