Quotes About Marriage

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

The plural of spouse is spice.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

My wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

At the top of the list of what makes a successful marriage, is a sense of humor.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I do find that humor helps in relationships. It certainly helps in my marriage now because I'm a very, very fallible person. And if I wasn't funny I'd be kicked right out the door.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.