Quotes About Wit

Well, if only I wasn't too much the gentleman to flay your spirit with a witty and cutting retort, madam, you'd be … thoroughly … um, wittily retorted at this very instant. - Locke Lamora

This brew could make a dead eunuch piss lightning

Are you smarter than a pig, Locke?" "On occasion," said Locke. "There are contrary opinions." "Are you more dangerous than a cow? A chicken? A sheep?" "Let's be generous and say yes.

Hey," said Locke, scratching his stubble absently with his quill. "That sounds suspiciously like wisdom, damn your eyes. Why must you always flounce about being wiser than me?" "Doesn't require much conscious effort.

You seem to have a real talent for improvised dishonesty.

How would you be able to detect a fart over your natural odor, Sanza?" "For shame," said Galdo. "There's no Sanzas here, remember? I'm an Asino." "Oh yes," said Locke with a yawn. "Yes, you certainly are.

Wise in the ways of all such things is Jean Tannen," said Jean. "Wiser by far than most; especially most named Lamora." "Shut your fat, ugly, inarguably wiser face," said Locke.

You think I'm inclined to walk in on a day like today and deliberately twist his breeches? If your father says 'bark like a dog,' I say 'What breed, Your Honor?' 

But this is silly—we could sit here all night contrasting cock-lengths. I say mine is five feet long, you say yours is six, and shoots fire upon command.

Feeling human again?" said Locke. "this brew could make a dead eunuch piss lightnign" said Jean.

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: You look a little flushed.

Q: What do you call an epileptic holding a glass of milk? A: Milkshake.

Q: Why did God give blondes 2 percent more brains than horses? A: Because God didn't want them shitting on the street during parades.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A: He worked it out with a pencil.

I went to school with a kid who was so smart, the only time he got an answer wrong, they had to go back and change the question.

It's great to be able to pretend you're tough but funny at the same time.

I feel like any time John Oliver is added to something, the comedy is instantly there. He's so funny.

With song titles, I try to keep a healthy sense of humor while saying something at the same time.

A crisis + time = humor.

Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

I reckon I am a smart aleck, but it is just a way to pass the time.

What Time hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit.

Beauty, wit, High birth, vigour of bone, desert in service, Love, friendship, charity, are subjects all To envious and calumniating time.

Who doesnt love a funny girl who can look sexy at the same time?