Quotes About Surprise

I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some bline, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise.

I went to see my doctor with a nasty pain in the ass. Turns out he's already met my wife.

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look, I'm changing!

Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his longtime girlfriend. I have to say...Charlie Sheen has a longtime girlfriend?

A joke is not a thing but a process, a trick you play on the listener's mind. You start him off toward a plausible goal, and then by a sudden twist you land him nowhere at all or just where he didn't expect to go.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

Sometimes the one you love turns out to be the one who hurts you the most, and sometimes the friend who takes you into his arms and cries when you cry turns out to be the love you never knew you wanted.

An overripe banana, yellow outside, squishy in

I was well warned about English food, so it did not surprise me, but I do wonder sometimes, how they ever manage to prise it up long enough to get a plate under it

Did you hear about the new reversible jackets? I can't wait to see how they turn out.

Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

The awkward moment when you're pretending you're talking to someone on the phone and then it rings.

A girl called me once and said come over, nobody is home! I went there and she was right, nobody was home

As a joke, I would love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell Got it! and then run away.

Age attacks when we least expect it.

Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

When you go after honey with a balloon, the great thing is not to let the bees know you're coming.

Ooooh Miss Laaaady...