Quotes About Perspective

In the end, everything is a gag.

Life's too short for chess.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

I enjoy life. I think I'll enjoy death even more.

On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window.

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.

I always advise people never to give advice.

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.

Beauty is in the heart of the beholder.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

You're fooling yourself if you argue with a fool - others may not know the difference.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Laughter is higher than all pain.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

You see, money's not everything in life is it? but it keeps you in touch with your children...

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.