Quotes About Perspective

Persistence in a difficult conversation means remaining as stubbornly interested in hearing the other person's views as you are in asserting your own.

Tell me more" and "Help me understand better . . .

What leads you to say that?" "Can you give me an example?" "What would that look like?" "How would that work?" "How would we test that hypothesis?

Can you say a little more about how you see things? • What information might you have that I don't? • How do you see it differently? • What impact have my actions had on you? • Can you say a little more about why you think this is my fault? • Were you reacting to something I did? • How are you feeling about all of this? • Say more about why this is important to you. • What would it mean to you if that happened? If

For many people, realizing that they don't have to agree brings a sense of great liberation, relief, and empowerment.

Peanuts aren't nuts. Whales aren't fish. Tomatoes aren't vegetables. And attributions, judgments, and accusations aren't feelings.

It is said that all advice is autobiographical

What is the story we are telling ourselves that is giving rise to how we feel? What is our story missing? What might the other person's story be? Almost

If you are having a difficult conversation, and someone asks why you disagree, how come you never say, "Because what I'm saying makes absolutely no sense"?

Next, we need to explore our assumptions about the other person's intentions. To what extent are our feelings based on an untested assumption about their intentions? Might the other person have acted unintentionally, or from multiple and conflicting intentions? How does our view of their intentions affect how we feel? And what about our own intentions? What was motivating us? How might our actions have impacted them? Does that change how we feel?

Stop Arguing About Who's Right: Explore Each Other's Stories

Of course, neither Doug nor Andrew walked away from the parade thinking, "I enjoyed my particular perspective on the parade based on the information I paid attention to." Each walked away thinking, "I enjoyed the parade." Each assumes that what he paid attention to was what was significant about the experience. Each assumes he has "the facts.

We Think They Are the Problem

And what you experience as an attack might in their mind be meant as a defense against your attack. What, you say, you never attacked them? Ah, there's the rub.

the normal course of things, we don't notice the ways in which our story of the world is different from

I've described the problem in a way we can each accept. Now I want to propose mutual understanding and problem-solving as purposes, check to see if this makes sense to you, and invite you to join me in a conversation.

They Think We Are the Problem

Sometimes the most genuine thing you can do is share your internal struggle to cast them in a more positive role. You can say something like, "The story I'm telling in my head about what is going on is that you are being inconsiderate. At some level I know that's unfair to you, and I need you to help me put things in better perspective. I need you to help me understand where you are coming from on this.

In the normal course of things, we don't notice the ways in which our story of the world is different from other people's.

Arguing Blocks Us from Exploring Each Other's Stories

Different Stories: Why We Each See the World Differently

We Notice Different Things.

As you approach these chapters, have this question marinating in the back of your mind: Why is it that when we give feedback we so often feel right, yet when we receive feedback it so often feels wrong?

Our past experiences often develop into "rules" by which we live our lives. Whether we are aware of them or not, we all follow such rules. They tell us how the world works, how people should act, or how things are supposed to be. And they have a significant influence on the story we tell about what is happening between us in a difficult conversation.