Quotes About Comparison

Abraham Lincoln, a predecessor of Barack Obama in both the White House and the Illinois state legislature, had eighteen months of formal education and became a soldier, surveyor, postmaster, rail-splitter, tavern keeper, and self-taught prairie lawyer. Obama went to Occidental College, Columbia University, and Harvard Law School, and became a "community organizer." I'm not sure that's progress--and it's certainly not "sustainable.

There may be many things wrong with the United States but only a blind fool who hasn't been paying attention for the last twenty years would hold up Europe as the alternative.

If you're inclined to worry, society sure has given you a good selection.

Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.

I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog.

Man will do many things to get himself loved he will do all things to get himself envied.

The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

There are two kinds of music; German music and bad music.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I don't like big feet. It reminds me of gammon.

I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

Heath Slater, or the chick from Wendy's

Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first

The dog is dressed just like me at the climax of my act.

I probably am a cranky writer, but I am actually a fairly nice, normal person. Since I'm a grouchy writer, of course I have friends whose books are doing way better than mine.

The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.

There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Wow, we're identical!

I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen.