Quotes About Perception

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.

You know you''re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.

The three words women most want to hear from a man are, "You lost weight".

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better . . . while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

An ugly baby is a very nasty object - and the prettiest is frightful.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

I'm not really a good singer. But most people aren't, either.

I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.

Do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable or am I miserable because listen to pop music?

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I've died. I swear I'm aging in dog years. But no, I'm not dead. It's funny how stuff like that gets started.

If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.

I don't know, he seems kind of hairy and slobbery to me.

I have been described as a lighthouse in the middle of a bog: Brilliant but useless.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.