Quotes About Perception

Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver.

It's easy to fool the eye but it's hard to fool the heart.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.

I may not know much, but I know the difference between chicken sh.. and chicken salad.

Weve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but dont know which way to sit on a lavatory.

I'd rather be called 'Sleazy' than to be identified as intelligent.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.