Quotes About Perception

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

One man's folly is another man's wife.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I never said most of the things I said.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

When people call you photogenic, they're actually trying to tell you that you look uglier than your pics..

You traded in your iPhone 4 for an extra half inch? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'