Quotes from Kerry Patterson

Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.

If the story is unflattering and the feeling is anger, adrenaline kicks in. Under the influence of adrenaline, blood leaves our brains to help support our genetically engineered response of "fight or flight," and we end up thinking with the brain of a reptile. We say and do dim-witted things.

Assignments without deadlines are far better at producing guilt than stimulating action.

So, what's the first step to changing norms? It's breaking the code of silence around the problem that always sustains the status quo.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. —MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

Consequently, the first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you're working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa. You believe they care about yours.

Instead, success relies on the capacity to systematically create rapid, profound, and sustainable changes in a handful of key behaviors.

Storytelling typically happens blindly fast. When we believe we're at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we don't even know that we're doing it.

this is the first principle of dialogue—Start with Heart. That is, your own heart. If you can't get yourself right, you'll have a hard time getting dialogue right.

In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others' intent and more about the effect others' actions are having on us. No longer are we in the game of rooting out unhealthy motives. And here's the good news. When we reflect on alternative motives, not only do we soften our emotions, but equally important, we relax our absolute certainty long enough to allow for dialogue— the only reliable way of discovering others' genuine motives.

Change Tactic: Bad habits are almost always a social disease—if those around us model and encourage them, we'll almost always fall prey.

If you use these skills exactly the way we tell you to and the other person doesn't want to dialogue, you won't get to dialogue. However, if you persist over time, refusing to take offence, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual Purpose, then the other person will almost always join you in dialogue.

How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris, and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?

For example, obesity costs the average person an extra $1,429 per year in increased health care costs. But since we're not required to set aside money for every burger we consume (to cover the real financial cost of the burger), the long-term costs of carrying extra weight remain invisible.

When you're attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated question.

When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open. That's it. At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.

Every time you try to convince others through verbal persuasion, you suffer from your inability to select and share language in a way that reproduces in the mind of the listener exactly the same thoughts you are having. You say your words, but others hear their words, which in turn stimulate their images, their past histories, and their overall meaning—all of which may be very different from what you intended.

You can't simply highlight an inspiring paragraph in a book and walk away changed.

Source 1. Personal Motivation

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. —DAVE BARRY

There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus.

Here are some great ones: What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? Once you've asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

What is this intermediate step? Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior. Why were they doing that? We also add judgment—is that good or bad? And then, based on these thoughts or stories, our body responds with an emotion.

Search for the Elusive And The best at dialogue refuse Fool's Choices by setting up new choices. They present themselves with tougher questions—questions that turn the either/or choice into a search for the all-important and ever-elusive and. (It is an endangered species, you know.) Here's how this works.