Quotes from Kerry Patterson

When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make it Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.

Here's why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren't buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding.

Now, what makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla? First, opinions vary. For example, you're talking with your boss about a possible promotion. She thinks you're not ready; you think you are. Second, stakes are high. You're in a meeting with four coworkers and you're trying to pick a new marketing strategy. You've got to do something different or your company isn't going to hit its annual goals. Third, emotions run strong.

Provide individuals who have been disappointed or poorly treated with something to say and a way to say it that leads to the result they want, and their mental math changes.

The next two sources of influence that routinely act on you are equally easy to spot. The people who surround you both motivate and enable your habits.

As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to violence (trying to force meaning in the pool).

Changing deeply entrenched habits invariably requires help, information, and real support from others. Get a coach, and you'll make change far more likely.

Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I.

The lion's share of the problems that really bother us don't call for additional technology, theory, philosophy, or data (we're up to our necks in that); instead, the problems call for the ability to change what people do. And when it comes to this particular skill, demand far exceeds supply. Given

When adrenaline does our thinking for us, our motives flow with the chemical tide.

When you've gone to silence and are trying way too hard to convince yourself that you've done the right thing, you might want to examine whether you are intentionally minimizing the cost of not speaking up and exaggerating the risks of doing so.

When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.

BUT WILL IT WORK FOR ME? After decades of tireless research, we have now identified about two-dozen accountability skills that, when used at the right time and delivered in the right fashion, separated positive deviants from everyone else. The questions remaining were (1) when taught, would people actually use the skills, and (2) if they did, would doing so yield better results?

In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It's how you argue that matters.

What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? Once you've asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

So be patient when exploring how others think and feel. Encourage them to share their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety that you've created.

People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content—that's a given—and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful.

We're asking you to recode silence and violence as signs that people are feeling unsafe. We're asking you to fight your natural tendency to respond in kind. We're asking you to undo years of practice, maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus. "Ah, that's a sign that the other person feels unsafe." And then what? Do something to make it safe.

It's important to understand that Contrasting is not apologizing. It is not a way of taking back something we've said that hurt others' feelings. Rather, it is a way of ensuring that what we said didn't hurt more than it should have.

One of the ironies of dialogue is that, when talking with those holding opposing opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become.

In the worst companies, poor performers are first ignored and then transferred. In good companies, bosses eventually deal with problems. In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable—regardless of level or position. The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations.

How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. We

when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works—it fails; thus, nothing fails like success.