Quotes from Kerry Patterson

Let's say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn't handle it well.

At this point, you could be tempted to water down your content—"You know it's really not that big a deal." Don't give into the temptation. Don't take back what you've said. Instead, put your remarks in context.

When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace. Winning

avoid creating bad feelings or wasting our time?" It's interesting to watch what happens when people are presented with and questions after being stuck with Fool's Choices. Their faces become reflective, their eyes open wider, and they begin to think. With surprising regularity, when people are asked: "Is it possible that there's a way to accomplish both?" they acknowledge that there very well may be.

As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror. There

When you STATE things well and others become defensive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss. Think harder about your approach. Step out of the content, do what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try again to candidly STATE your view.

Change Tactic: If you interrupt your impulses by connecting with your goals during crucial moments, you can greatly improve your chances of success.

Change Tactic: Changing persistent and resistant habits always involves learning new skills.

company's image and improve client confidence.

In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar. Without excusing others' behavior, we

I have known a thousand scamps; but I never met one who considered himself so. Self-knowledge isn't so common. —OUIDA

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously, they don't agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.

Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I." When

The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy.

He that complies against his will is of his own opinion still.

consequence of the original act and helps unbundle the problem.

Change Tactic: Bad habits are almost always a social disease—if those around us model and encourage them, we'll almost always fall prey. Turn "accomplices" into "friends" and you can be two-thirds more likely to succeed.

whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction

essential to verbalize your good intent. In face-to-face conversation

Change Tactic: Changing deeply entrenched habits invariably requires help, information, and real support from others. Get a coach, and you'll make change far more likely.

Said another way, safety in a conversation is about intent, not content.

Change Tactic: Directly link short-term rewards and punishments to the new habits you're trying to form, and you're far more likely to stay on track.

Change Tactic: Small changes in your environment can have a surprising effect on your choices. For example, just add a few visual cues that help you focus on your goals, and your behavior will change rapidly.

We're asking you to undo years of practice, maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus. "Ah, that's a sign that the other person feels unsafe." And then what? Do something to make it safe.