Quotes from Caroline Kepnes

She is such a writer that she puts words in my mouth while I'm standing right here, rewriting life in real time, and no, she can't do this to me, to us.

When I get nasty like that, it's like I'm standing outside of myself and I know I'm being terrible and irrational but there's nothing I can do about it. I have serious PMS issues sometimes.

It's good to know all sides if you're gonna love someone

This guy is, what, thirty-six and he's only now reading Franny and Zooey? And let's get real. He's not reading it. It's just a front for the Dan Browns in the bottom of his basket. Work in a bookstore and learn that most people in this world feel guilty about being who they are. I bag the Dan Brown first like it's kiddie porn and tell him Franny and Zooey is the shit and he nods

You tweet more often than you write and this could be why you're getting your MFA from the New School and not from Columbia. Columbia rejected you: Rejection is a dish best served in a paper envelope because then at least you can tear it up or burn it. #notintoColumbia #lifegoeson

Well, like, the screenplay is about the book, so, like, it's kind of the book, only in different form, like the way iced coffee is still coffee even though it's cold.

The world fell out of love with love at some point

At the counter, a different waitress flirts with an aspiring writer who's probably been trying to fuck her and finish his screenplay for months. He asks for a side of guac and she tells him that it's two dollars extra. That's how it works here. The guy who deserves free guac doesn't get free guac.

I tie a plastic bag around his head. I go to the bathroom and write down the names of all of his skin care products. Everyone will remember him for his stupid fucking talk show but I will remember him as the man who made me realize that I need to take better care of my skin.

you're a butterfly and butterflies are free to fly, fly away, high away, bye-bye),

The Uber driver is unassuming and blank and I wouldn't be surprised if he kills us all.

you're a butterfly and butterflies are free to fly, fly away, high away, bye-bye), and I follow her each day because you are not a butterfly as long as she exists. You are not free to fly, fly away because she is a dangerous fucking pervert, photographing you, coveting you. Is there anything sicker than photographing someone while she's sleeping?

He said that he would sooner kill himself than leave his children." "And what did you say?" "I said I think that all children do better with happy parents than married parents. I said there's no stigma about divorce anymore.

I point at your useless, flat, nonathletic sneakers. "May I?" I ask and you nod. I pull the laces tight and tie them in double knots

this shower curtain is something you are going to look at Every. Fucking. Day. So I started going through hundreds of options online. Most of the designs are bullshit you could never stomach every day (a map of the world, go fuck yourself, fish, a map of Brooklyn, really go fuck yourself, snowmen, the Eiffel Tower, nautical signs—I mean, I'm not some fucker who buys scarves at Urban Outfitters and rates movies on IMDB). I just wanted something funny and classic.

It's the little things that seal the cracks in your heart.

because this morning you didn't know you were gonna want me.

I finally settled on a clear shower curtain with yellow police tape marked POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS slapped across. And when I bought this shower curtain, I never imagined that you would be on the other side of the police tape, those damn yellow stripes blocking my view of you. Next time I'm going for an all clear, Beck. Lesson learned.

He snorts more cocaine. I could pull over and roll him out the door but he's on so much blow right now that he would probably just turn into a roadrunner, catch up to me, and jump back in.

You want me to like your bed. You know it's gonna be our bed

a nightmarish thing that frightens Love, haunting her, weighing her down, the thing that she's supposed to love, the way the world initially instructs children to love clowns even though we all know deep down that they're creepy, old, puffy men in masks leering at children.