Quotes from Tucker Max

I try to explain to people that the only way to be cool is to be who you truly are, and the only way to live life is to do the things that you want to do and be the person that you want to be no matter who that is or what that is or how you have to do it. That's the only way you can be genuinely happy.

Social media for the majority of companies is not about helping customers or improving products.

I sold a million books because I have a lot of fans, not because people hate me.

Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another.

At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now.

Hollywood, it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular, everyone wants to be with.

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want

Make no mistake about it: Law school is not a bastion of intellectual discourse.

I think I just pick really smart and motivated people to work with - people who are probably going to do great things anyway - and I just teach them what I know, maybe teach them how to think a little clearer than they did before, and then off they go.

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.

The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me.

See, what you're talking about is why hanging out with ME would be fun for YOU. It doesn't explain anything about why it'd be fun for ME. You don't bring banter. You aren't witty. You aren't funny. There is nothing to pick from your brain. You're looking for me to entertain you. A relationship is an exchange, not a one-way street. Look beyond your own personal desires for a second and understand what you bring to the exchange- nothing.

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want

One of us needs to get laid. Just one of us? What are the odds of both of us getting laid?

Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above functionally retarded.

I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.

I feel like taking her money AND her soul is not cool. One or the other.

5:16 I shotgun two beers, piss out the bedroom window, catcall passing girls, burp violently, put cage fighting on tv, play with myself. I feel manly again.

You ever met one of those guys who, in a totally calm and composed way, can scare the shit out of you? Like an MMA fighter, or the fat Kardashian sister who married Lamar Odom?

People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom of the bar with your pants off, surrounded by five girls, giving your boxers to a bachelorette party because one of the girls is cute and told you that you had a nice butt. Be forewarned. - from the Austin Road Trip story

You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.

Here's to the women we've met, and to the women we've fucked, And to those amongst us who've had no such luck. Here's to beer in the glass, and vodka in the cup, Here's to pokin' her in the ass, so she won't get knocked up. Here's to all of you, and here's to me, Together as friends we'll always be, But if we should ever disagree, Then FUCK ALL OF YOU, HERE'S TO ME!

If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.