Quotes from Tucker Max

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER!

If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.

You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.

I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist. (Quoting feedback from a reader)

I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?

I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They're not. I'm going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.

She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn't very good with my dick in her mouth.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

WAKE UP! WE'RE LATE FOR DRINKING!!

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don't suffer fools well.

My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?

There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.

Ladies let me give you some advice: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as "deserving" respect; you get what you demand from people

Look, I know everything is shitty right now, but if you don't stop acting like such a bitch, someones gonna fuck that pussy on your face.

It is better to ask for forgiveness then permission.

I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.

Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.

If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

FK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU.

Girl3 "You don't have to be a jerk" SlingBlade "Quite the contrary, my sloppy penile scholar.Order me another drink and be quick about it.

Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art.

Obviously, I love Japanese food. My favorite TV show of all time, without exception, is 'Iron Chef.' Not the stupid American version; 'Iron Chef' Japanese; the real one, the one that was on in Japan... my DVR for years was set to record almost every single 'Iron Chef' episode.