Quotes from Dennis Miller

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

There is nothing funny about dogs playing poker. There is nothing remotely cute about animals with gambling problems. If you look closely at those paintings, you can tell that most of those dogs are playing with money they can't afford to lose. And sadder still, it takes seven of their dollars to make one of ours.

I wear two condoms all the time. Then when I make love, I take one off, and I feel like a wild man.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

We're one corporate meltdown away from having the dollar be the peso's bitch.

Shouldn't there be some kind of relationship between how much a baby eats and how much comes out the other end? It's like at the circus, where they've got the tiny VW bug but the clowns just keep coming out and out and out. . . . Eventually you learn how to hold your breath like a Hokkaido pearl diver.

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?

Washington, D.C., is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in a 7-Eleven, OK?